For Jayne on her birthday.


November 18, 2018

Today is Jayne’s birthday, she would have been 52.

Jayne was my birth mother, she passed away in 1990, when I was 5.  We only spent 3 days together but I feel like she has been with me my entire life.  I have recently reconnected with her (and my) family and it has been an amazing experience.  Meeting and connecting with the people Jayne loved, hearing about what kind of person she was and what her life was like, has very much been an emotionally healing experience for me.

I will write a post about my journey of finding my family and the experiences I’ve had along the way in another post.  Today I just want to celebrate Jayne.  I’ve always talked to her in my mind, I’d created this character of who I wanted her to be.  The crazy thing is that after listening to people talk about her, she actually was the person I thought she was.  A free-spirit, loving, confident, creative, cool – I don’t want to talk myself up but we are very similar.  One of my cousin’s said that his memory of her is burning incense – something we do every day.

I believe in synchronicity, that things happen when the time is right.  Sometimes I realise it in the moment, other times I’m searching through my phone for pictures to post and I find a pic of Kora at Jayne’s grave taken exactly a year ago on her birthday, even though we didn’t know her birth date then.

(My name isn’t on her stone.  It’s not something I care about but I know people will ask.  It was a traumatic time for the family and was not a deliberate decision)

Two days ago my Mum (Ellen) called me and said she’d found a letter Jayne had written me, that had been missing for quite some time.  I’d been feeling overwhelmed and out of balance.  This letter resurfacing came at the perfect time.

The day I reconnected with my family was during a funeral.  There had been quite a few deaths in the family over the last couple of years.  So much sadness and trauma.  I believe that I turned up at the perfect moment to help lift the spirits of everybody, and I believe that Jayne guided me to them.

Happy Birthday!  You were so beautiful.

I see where Kora and I got our hair from lol

Mum, I know you’re proud of me.  I know you’ve watched me struggle, and I know you have sent angels to me to guide me along the way.  Ellen and Terry Wright, Tyler Bamber, Tyrone and Cassandra, Paul and Neat, Simon and Scarlett, Katherine, Kora and Wolfe, Bohdi Bailey, Caleb and Amy, Sara and Aaron, all my whanau who raised me.  So many people and I’m sorry if I missed you.  All these people helped me when I was at my lowest and all I wanted was to join you up there.

I don’t get those feelings anymore though Mum.  We got through it.  I’m excited about the future, I’m excited about the present, and I appreciate the past.  Life is so good right now! Everything is happening that we planned together.  Keep watching Mum, because what happens next will blow your mind!

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Jolene Sinclair 17/11/2018 - 11:35 pm

What a beautiful tribute..
And the letter blew me away to know Aunty wrote that herself, so precious.
Here’s to many more happy years to come with our family.. x

Toni Jayne Sinclair 18/11/2018 - 7:59 am

Jayne was special…. She had an innate ability to really see and enjoy people for who they authentically were…. Because she was authentic and completely real…. As her young neice…. I completely adored her. She is one of the few people in my life that could do no wrong… I remember watching her get ready for school one day and it was her day to shout lunch for her mates so she grabbed two cans of spaghetti, two loaves of bread and the butter…. I asked her what her mates normally bought when it was their shout and she said…. Pies and stuff from the tuck shop…. I immediately thought… Oh how embarrassing that you are taking spaghetti sandwiches…. She didn’t think like that – she didn’t live according to the norm or to impress others…. She just did what she wanted to do… She was unapologetically herself. Stunning human being!! Always loved and forever missed Jayne. She was far too cool to be called auntie lol

Mum 20/11/2018 - 9:43 am

What an awesome tribute son. I know your mum would be so proud of you as we are – even moreso at this very moment.. I also tried to imagined my emotions if I was reading a letter from a past sibling/aunt/cousin and I totally understand the emotions from your new whanau. I recall that very day I asked Jane to write something I could give to you. You were not quite 5 months old. Two weeks later she drops it off. How this very letter would affect you today and bless so many of your new whanau makes me so so happy. One other thing I happened upon when I found Jane’s letter was my gratitude book. You and your mum feature in it alot – entries of thanks for sacrifices and for filling our lives. There was a simple gratitude noted but it must have been a big deal to prompt an entry. You bringing our groceries inside and putting them away. Woohoo,!! Dad and I love you dearly son and all we want is for you to be healthy, happy, be a good daddy and husband. Tick tick tick tick.

Maude Stephens 21/11/2018 - 9:02 am

I have only just read this post now, got my 5 mins now. How amazing to find that letter. What a beautiful post. Matthew you have the same style of writing as Jayne, clear, thoughtful and meaningful. Jayne thought her name as Jane was a little boring, so she added the ‘y’. The year Jayne left us I had named my daughter kimberley Jayne, I never got to tell her. But I will tell her. Jesus said, you will be with me in paradise, see you soon sis!

Juanita 27/11/2018 - 10:58 pm

A few tears were had over this Lefty. Happy Birthday Jayne (Gosh your mum was beautiful!) Can’t wait to catch up with you guys soon.


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